My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
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Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.