Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
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WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
yeah 😭
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I cannot stop laughing at this
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.