[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
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lmaaaaaooooooooo
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.