Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
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[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.