I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
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WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
This made me smile…
Never let them know your next move 😂
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score