Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
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My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.