Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
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Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
what the hell pray for carter everyone
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
🙄😏😂🤣
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*