I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
You Might Also Like
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.