Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
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Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
she has a point
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy