me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
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I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
こいつ天才
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
scares
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.