Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
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Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan