A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
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Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered