Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
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When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*