wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
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Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I hate when that happens.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident