Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
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“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail