I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
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me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I wish I could veto my bills.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.