Just why bro?!
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#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
That de-escalated quickly
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?