Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
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If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
no
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days