Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
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All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.