*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
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Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in