I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
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then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
$3 #books
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
#Caturday
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]