My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
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Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
PARKOUR
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser