A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
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Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I have a new favorite meme page
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic