I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
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Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.