date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
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We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.