before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
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all bases covered
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
My inexpensive home security system…
Kermit goes Blue.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.