Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
When the stylist spins you back around
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I will never stop laughing at this
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
We avoided this particular disaster
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.