If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
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Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.