a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
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When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.