When I can’t barge, I careen.
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[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Hitlers gonna hitl
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
⛄️
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Pretty much. 🤣
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now