The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
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“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.