Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
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Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
What’s so funny?
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*