Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
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Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I can’t deal with men any longer
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??