Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
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Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!