live, laugh, laundry.
You Might Also Like
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
#milo
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol