Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
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When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”