I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
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santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
The Others (2001)
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.