I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
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My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”