Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
You Might Also Like
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop