Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot