The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
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[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself