imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
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[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
This could’ve been an email.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.