The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
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Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too