My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
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“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
*limbos under the caution tape
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house