The 5 signs of laziness
1.
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*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
#parenting
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.