I miss this era type of pranksđ
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Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesnât leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: youâll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someoneâs⌠TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
đ¤Łđ I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and itâs still today
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I was led to believe thereâd be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts âI didnât really expect to live this longâ as the answer to why I havenât been properly taking care of my teeth.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, Iâm learning to play the drums