I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
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“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.