I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
You Might Also Like
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Weirdos gonna weird.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
When I snag the last meatball.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money