Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
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If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.