Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
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I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?